In exploration of all possibilities, I am

Musings

  • Inside of me, there was a Man.

    Come on would anyone want to fuck an old lady?

    In the middle of a discussion on age-gap relationships, I was posed this question. My first response and felt sense was that of deep-seated rage, it felt primal.

    Then the thoughts came. How cruel, how unkind! Why would anyone want to speak of an older woman in that way!

    Then came my response, which was something along the lines of, I don’t agree with this statement it feels unkind. To which the conversation moved towards attraction. My friend shared how looking young is generally considered attractive in society. We discussed our different perspectives on attraction. 

    Upon reflection I shared that with age I have noticed that my attraction to other people has matured accordingly.  I am generally finding people around my age and older more attractive. Furthering as to why this might be the case, I acknowledge that it is not to deny the outward beauty of people younger than me. We are at different life stages and that plays a big role in attraction for me.  My friend questioned what was so wrong with finding younger people more attractive. I shared with him that I find age gap relationships particularly between older men and younger women extremely predatory in nature because of the latent power dynamics. Even when the man is well-meaning, there is something going on beneath conscious awareness.

    This point has lingered for me.

    My friend was not wrong to point out the fact that historically youthfulness has been favoured in terms of beauty. However, the root of the beauty standard for women has shifted in meaning. Let’s have a deeper look.

    In ancient Egypt, youthfulness was associated with purity, holiness and higher social status. Creams, oils, ointments, makeup such as Kohl (eyeliner!) was used by both men and women in this society. Beauty had a deeper connection to the afterlife. It was believed that by maintaining the physical body, adorning it, and caring for it, would allow for better spiritual health after death. Maintaining a youthful look was also associated with reincarnation. In the context of this society, we can infer that the beauty standard was not just for vanity’s sake but deeply rooted to spiritual beliefs. However, when we fast forward to present day modern society, this looks and feels much different.

    In history classes in the west, the 19th century was often characterized by the industrial “revolution.” We were taught that this was a period of great economic prosperity. However, what was glossed over was the mechanics of industrialisation: child labor, hazardous working conditions, colonial extraction, so on so forth. All in all the mechanics were the exploitation of human beings. The way we were taught about the industrial revolution was propagandic in nature. It exemplified that colonization was a positive and necessary catalyst for change. So why is this piece of history relevant to the topic of aging in the modern world? Industrialisation meant mass production, in the west society was shifting from a needs-based economy to a desires based one. This wasn’t circumstantial, nor unintentional. As the field of psychology was being developed, some people saw the power that hid behind manipulation.

    Did you know, this man called Paul Mazur – nephew of Mr. Sigmund Freud (psychoanalyst) said this:

    “We must shift America from a needs, to a desires culture. People must be trained to desire, to want new things even before the old had been entirely consumed. We must shape a new mentality in America. Man’s desires must overshadow his needs.”

    -Paul Mazur

    Psychological manipulation was the building blocks of mass marketing. In the late 19th century, advertisements began targeting imperfections in women’s skin, terms like crowsfeet were used to sell anti-wrinkle creams. To add to this, marketing preyed on insecurity and tending to the male gaze with messaging such as “your husband might lose interest” in direct reference to aging. As if the sole purpose of a woman was to be an object of desire to the male-gaze. This forced the consumer to view themselves as the problem, creating the illusion that something outside of them was the solution. The fantasy of eternal youth was amplified, and the ideal consumer was an insecure woman. The natural process of aging now becomes a personal failure rather than a fact of life. This messaging is so deep rooted it becomes shame.

    Did we do away with all this? Sure, feminism has advanced women’s freedoms in society, such as being able to vote, having your own bank account, getting an abortion, etc. Has it done way with the male gaze, and women not being viewed as sexual objects, Hell fucking no. Consumerism is a monster we created and, we, continue to perpetuate these standards. Consumerism exists because of the oppressive systemic structures of colonialism/imperialism/white supremacy/patriarchy. These are intersecting systems of power used to oppress the ‘other.’  Women have always been the other, in a man’s world.

    If we keep a woman small, compliant, and so focused on her external appearance, she isn’t going to the question the systems that create these unrealistic beauty standards, and for what/for whom’s pleasure.

    Circling back to the comment regarding age and attractiveness, I can’t help but notice how we have associated aging with ugly and unfuckable. Purity culture in the 1990s normalised girls-as-virgins appearing more holy and dressing modestly. This really doesn’t sit right with me because it signals towards sexualising children. It isn’t far reaching to infer that looking young and beautiful, is part rooted in viewing the most helpless and vulnerable member of society ie. The child, as a sexual object. Whilst the Epstein files have horrified the public, this isn’t new information that pedophilia exists. Pedophilia is more common in our culture than most would like to believe. I would just like for society to start thinking about why and how? While this essay isn’t delving deep into the systems of power I have named, we cannot shy away from how they relate and amplify modern day beauty standards and how we view aging. Some versions of Feminism begins and ends with “fuck the patriarchy!” but fails to acknowledge the intersecting systems of colonization and white supremacy. I encourage you to always look deeper, especially if it is outside of your personal experience.

    As we have come to understand, the beauty standard is rooted in power and exploitation. The beauty industry is worth approximately 620 BILLION USD, globally. All that money, at the expense of your feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and at the cost of your agency.

    What I have found to occur with age is the meeting of my true self, time and time again. This self is made up of contradictions, points of friction, learnings and unlearnings. I understand it to be fluid. As the years go on, the less I rely on external products to make me feel whole, when I notice a thought arise, such as

    “I look tired, maybe I should get an eye cream.”

    I pause. I notice, I challenge the thought, I ask it why?

    Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with purchasing an eye cream if you are making the empowered choice to do so. But before engaging in a purchase, I wonder for what, who and why.
    I then return to my true self, and realise well I don’t WANT to spend my money on this, I want to exist as I am. When I want to self-express, I do so in a way that feels empowering. This may be through makeup less days, but also on days when I want to decorate and adorn myself.  

    A quote that really lands for me is as follows:

    “One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman”
       Simone de Beauvoir

    And I find this to be so true. It does not mean that we women, will feel completely free of the pressure the world bestows on us, but what I have hope for is to relieve the pressure that we have internalised. To re-acquaint with ourselves, in our wholeness, and to reclaim that space inside of our mind and body.

    If we look to a bit of existentialism and the thoughts of De Beauvoir, who states that the concept of a woman, was never created by her, indeed it is at its core male constructed. To paraphrase De Beauvoir, what she means here is that the woman is the object and is ‘seen’ by the man. Which essentially denotes the woman as the ‘other.’

    So what if the woman, sees herself, through her eyes?

    We begin in the womb of a woman, we journey through the woman and out into the world we come, we land into the prison that is the male gaze. The system we grow up in feeds us fantasies and sells us products. It asks of us to internalise this gaze, and now inside the woman is the man. It is an internal prison. But what if you had the key to unlock the door and step outside and live into your wisdom. The older women I have met on my journey, have only opened doors for me, and doors inside of me; I want to continue passing this on.

    What this doesn’t mean is you have to reject everything, but instead it means to question “why.”

    So perhaps the question isn’t would you want to fuck an old woman, but rather, do you fuck with older woman?

    Reference List

    Defino, J. (2023). ‘There’s no ethical way to sell products that target signs of aging,’ Flesh World, 7 Aug. Available at:

    https://jessicadefino.substack.com/p/theres-no-ethical-way-to-sell-products?utm_source=substack&utm_campaign=post_embed&utm_medium=web (Accessed 18 Feb 2026).

    Lubin, G. (2013). There’s A Staggering Conspiracy Behind The Rise Of Consumer Culture, 23 Feb. Available at:

    https://www.businessinsider.com/birth-of-consumer-culture-2013-2#bernays-claims-he-was-the-first-to-tell-car-companies-they-could-sell-cars-as-a-symbol-of-male-sexuality-5 (Accessed: 18 Feb 2026)


    Vanden Daelen, C., & Bruneau, C. (2020). “Capitalism and Patriarchy: Two Systems that Feed off Each Other,” 7 July. Available at:

    https://www.cadtm.org/spip.php?page=imprimer&id_article=18732#:~:text=Capitalism%20and%20patriarchy%20are%20therefore,current%20realities%20of%20women’s%20work. (Accessed 18 Feb 2026)

    (2024). ‘Women Aging in a Patriarchy,’ 15th Century Feminist. 18, Jan. Available at:

    https://15thcfeminist.substack.com/p/women-aging-in-a-patriarchy (Accessed 18 Feb 2026)

    Wardell, A. (2024). ‘The Paradox of Women’s Aging,’ Psychology Today, 14 May. Available at:

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/compassionate-feminism/202404/the-paradox-of-womens-aging (accessed 18 Feb 2026).

    Vanbuskirk, S. (2025). ‘Understanding the Male Gaze and How it Objectifies Women,’ Verywellmind, 26 Oct. Available at:

    https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-male-gaze-5118422

    (accessed on Feb 18 2026).

    El-Kilany, E., & Raoof, E. (2017). ‘Facial Cosmetics in Ancient Egypt, Egyptian Journal of Tourism Studies, 16(1). Available at:

    https://egittolizzando.altervista.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Facial-Cosmetics-in-Ancient-Egypt.pdf (Accessed 18 Feb 2026).

  • On depth.

    “it’s not that deep” has become common phrase among the younger generations (millennials and gen z).  I wonder if it’s not that deep is perhaps a collective response to

    “you’re being dramatic”
    “you’re over-reacting”
    “you’re too sensitive”

    You may have heard this from a parent, a teacher, a colleague, or even a close friend. I believe these types of responses are not necessarily reflective of the individual receiving them. Instead, they reveal the unresolved discomfort of the person using the response. In psychology, specifically under the umbrella of psychodynamics, we refer to this as ‘projection.’  

    Thinking about how It’s not that deep came to be, I think it was born from the pain of not being heard and is thus another defence structure. We are perpetuating what others have done to us. In one generation it is ‘you’re being dramatic’ and in our generation, we say ‘it’s not that deep.’ Both phrases do the same thing: dismiss and shut down. Let me explain.

    On a micro-level, it’s not that deep prevents meaningful exploration for the individual who might just be trying to UNDERSTAND and FEEL their experience. It hinders development in thinking, feeling, exploring new ideas, questioning and understanding. This in turn, impacts how two people might engage with one another. So, if it halts self-understanding, it is almost inevitable that it will then hinder ‘together understanding.’ I am using this phrase of ‘together understanding’ to describe that feeling of when you are sharing with someone a personal experience, and they respond in a validating way, not only giving you reassurance, but also perhaps sharing a unique perspective that might further develop your understanding, there is then this experience of

    Ah what a relief, and wow, I never thought that – hence ‘together understanding.’

     it’s not that deep acts as a band aid for emotional experience, covering up what might be going on underneath. So instead of experiencing, we avoid. This is emotional immaturity.

    On a macro-level, we are moving away from ‘experiencing’ and ‘embodying’ and towards just ‘explaining.’  With tons of new information to consume, we can easily have big concepts reduced to sound bites. Depth transformed to simplistic solutions. As the masses consume simplified versions of depth, we can easily ‘explain’ our experiences away. Explanation is not embodiment; it is just another defence structure to avoid. In psychology we call this intellectualisation, and we are all guilty of it! As a whole society, I believe we are emotionally immature.

    In current affairs, there is no denying how completely disconnected we have truly become as a society. I am speaking to the west specifically.

    A society built on superficial connections – may further business, economy, and production, but it won’t foster or encourage emotional connection. In a capitalistic society we have been told that:

    Work hard, make money = be more successful and therefore = more happiness, just keep climbing the ladder and you will eventually get there!

    This is clearly, a lie. We have been told this to keep us working, and then being so busy and tired, we start consuming. It’s a cycle, to keep us trapped, and hinders flexibility, and further thinking and questioning. Through curiosity we create new solutions. Unfortunately, society is not very curious. Returning to the original point of this piece: ‘it’s not that deep’ continues to disconnect.  

    What does this disconnection look like? Well let’s look at the divided society for example, the right vs. the left. Without understanding, thinking, and feeling, we can’t then experience empathy for others. Empathy is an important ingredient to cultivate peaceful and harmonious societies. To come together as a collective and care for humanity. The further secular and individualistic we become as a society – the less attuned we are to ourselves/our bodies/our souls.

    If a society is emotionally immature, it will really help capitalism thrive: the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, people continue to be disconnected, chaos ensues, vulnerability to dogma/propaganda/brainwash, so on so forth – think fascism.

    Its not that deep is just another barrier to further accessing one’s inner world and remaining on the surface. When we avoid parts of ourselves, we will inevitably avoid those parts in others. All of which translates to producing surface level connections.

    There is a world of information inside each and every one of us, if we explore it and allow ourselves to experience the discomfort that will inevitably arise, the better equipped we are to connect meaningfully to others. I believe that self-understanding leads to collective understanding, which can perhaps create a more compassionate society. (A girl can dream).

    Meaningful connection is the antidote. Difference will always exist, but what if we were kinder? What if we were more understanding of different people? Disconnection doesn’t allow for things like empathy, kindness, or compassion to evolve and grow.

    Creating lasting change begins with small, local efforts – having that spillover into larger spaces. So where can you begin to implement change and space for curiosity in your relationships today?

  • Walking towards true love

    disclaimer: thoughts and ideas are not fixed and are allowed to evolve and develop

    Love, I believe is an infinite resource. In a world where, everything, like lifespan of the human body, is finite. Nothing is forever but what if, love is?

    I was in love once.

    At the time, I was completely consumed by the depths of my feelings for my partner, to a point of self-sacrificing behaviours, i.e. neglecting my own needs. And in this period of my life, I was unaware I had any needs. So I associated this all-consuming feeling to be that of ‘true love.’ Now, a few years later, I can see that this all consuming feeling was not the love, it was the attachment. This is not to say that there was no love, but besides love was an unhealthy attachment. Now that the attachment has faded, I am left with only love.

    First came grief, as it does, hi again old friend, here you are to remind me that I once loved and do still love. When the grief passes, it is then transformed back into its original form, but deepened: love. A love that lingers, a love for who that person was in my life at the time, and who he continues to be and become. The only difference is that we are no longer in a relationship. This project really began after my relationship ended, but I was too close to the subject matter to truly get started. With time came further query, and greater understanding.

    Why did the relationship end you might ask, if there was love? Well, relationships require a few key ingredients to sustain themselves, and sometimes, if the only ingredient is love, and none of the other important stuff – it will be hard to endure. I was younger then, my ex and I were both on journeys of self-discovery, and this actually lead to the realization that the dynamic we created together was not a healthy one. At the time it felt like I was hitting my head against a wall, doing absolutely everything to find a solution, how can we move past this?  What can we do to make this work? It was no longer a relationship that worked, and we had run out of resources to continue, I knew that if I stayed the toxic pattern will persist, so there was only one option, and it was to walk away. Going deeper, this was a painful pattern repeating through generations, and I can now look back to see I am breaking a cycle much bigger than me. (more on this in future posts)

    At the time it might not have felt like it, but now I know walking away really was walking towards, true love.

    Shall we get analytical?

    Let’s begin with the word, relationship. It comes from the word, relate

    Relationship is to relate, to another human.

    There is no such thing as the perfect/right person for you – there is only the spectrum of love and relationships. Healthy, unhealthy and all that which ebbs and flows in between.

    I read and think a lot about love,

    What I am learning is that when two (or more) individuals come together there is something being created, and this some ‘thing’ is a relationship, that is building on the foundation of love. To love is to not only be in love, but also to act and therefore do from love.

    Love is a process, a collaboration between two (or more) souls.

    A process that is always occurring, therefore a constant.

    A relationship requires work, and ideally it is work you want to be doing, because it comes from a place of love.

    So, to love, is to be faced with your flaws (we all have them!) and to decide what path you will take, will you choose a familiar one or the path of discomfort? As commonly said, growth only occurs in times of discomfort. So will you take the leap of faith to commit to a new path: the one towards true love.

    -true love–

    To observe, confront, overcome new challenges, gain new insights, and ultimately expand, from the heart.

    Now, let’s imagine a world where we operated on the principle of true love.