“it’s not that deep” has become common phrase among the younger generations (millennials and gen z). I wonder if it’s not that deep is perhaps a collective response to
“you’re being dramatic”
“you’re over-reacting”
“you’re too sensitive”
You may have heard this from a parent, a teacher, a colleague, or even a close friend. I believe these types of responses are not necessarily reflective of the individual receiving them. Instead, they reveal the unresolved discomfort of the person using the response. In psychology, specifically under the umbrella of psychodynamics, we refer to this as ‘projection.’
Thinking about how It’s not that deep came to be, I think it was born from the pain of not being heard and is thus another defence structure. We are perpetuating what others have done to us. In one generation it is ‘you’re being dramatic’ and in our generation, we say ‘it’s not that deep.’ Both phrases do the same thing: dismiss and shut down. Let me explain.
On a micro-level, it’s not that deep prevents meaningful exploration for the individual who might just be trying to UNDERSTAND and FEEL their experience. It hinders development in thinking, feeling, exploring new ideas, questioning and understanding. This in turn, impacts how two people might engage with one another. So, if it halts self-understanding, it is almost inevitable that it will then hinder ‘together understanding.’ I am using this phrase of ‘together understanding’ to describe that feeling of when you are sharing with someone a personal experience, and they respond in a validating way, not only giving you reassurance, but also perhaps sharing a unique perspective that might further develop your understanding, there is then this experience of
Ah what a relief, and wow, I never thought that – hence ‘together understanding.’
it’s not that deep acts as a band aid for emotional experience, covering up what might be going on underneath. So instead of experiencing, we avoid. This is emotional immaturity.
On a macro-level, we are moving away from ‘experiencing’ and ‘embodying’ and towards just ‘explaining.’ With tons of new information to consume, we can easily have big concepts reduced to sound bites. Depth transformed to simplistic solutions. As the masses consume simplified versions of depth, we can easily ‘explain’ our experiences away. Explanation is not embodiment; it is just another defence structure to avoid. In psychology we call this intellectualisation, and we are all guilty of it! As a whole society, I believe we are emotionally immature.
In current affairs, there is no denying how completely disconnected we have truly become as a society. I am speaking to the west specifically.
A society built on superficial connections – may further business, economy, and production, but it won’t foster or encourage emotional connection. In a capitalistic society we have been told that:
Work hard, make money = be more successful and therefore = more happiness, just keep climbing the ladder and you will eventually get there!
This is clearly, a lie. We have been told this to keep us working, and then being so busy and tired, we start consuming. It’s a cycle, to keep us trapped, and hinders flexibility, and further thinking and questioning. Through curiosity we create new solutions. Unfortunately, society is not very curious. Returning to the original point of this piece: ‘it’s not that deep’ continues to disconnect.
What does this disconnection look like? Well let’s look at the divided society for example, the right vs. the left. Without understanding, thinking, and feeling, we can’t then experience empathy for others. Empathy is an important ingredient to cultivate peaceful and harmonious societies. To come together as a collective and care for humanity. The further secular and individualistic we become as a society – the less attuned we are to ourselves/our bodies/our souls.
If a society is emotionally immature, it will really help capitalism thrive: the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, people continue to be disconnected, chaos ensues, vulnerability to dogma/propaganda/brainwash, so on so forth – think fascism.
Its not that deep is just another barrier to further accessing one’s inner world and remaining on the surface. When we avoid parts of ourselves, we will inevitably avoid those parts in others. All of which translates to producing surface level connections.
There is a world of information inside each and every one of us, if we explore it and allow ourselves to experience the discomfort that will inevitably arise, the better equipped we are to connect meaningfully to others. I believe that self-understanding leads to collective understanding, which can perhaps create a more compassionate society. (A girl can dream).
Meaningful connection is the antidote. Difference will always exist, but what if we were kinder? What if we were more understanding of different people? Disconnection doesn’t allow for things like empathy, kindness, or compassion to evolve and grow.
Creating lasting change begins with small, local efforts – having that spillover into larger spaces. So where can you begin to implement change and space for curiosity in your relationships today?
In exploration of all possibilities, I am 